I am so relieved. I just made the decision to take to the road again this summer. I had the choice to stay in Lenox, MA and work in the Shakespeare & Co box office but I decided that would take up all of my summer and not further my goals at all. I am proud of my decision, though it was very stressful to walk away from a paycheck, however small, to do what my heart and intuition tells me.
This following your bliss, is tricky business. I am constantly questioning my decisions, and living and re-living different outcomes, if I do this…then that….if I do that…then this may…. All such a waste of time and worry. Even though I feel good about saying no to the box office I am still in partial anguish about it. I just have to accept that I may never be mature enough or trusting enough to believe in my intuition. After my last year of travel you would think that I would have this trust stuff down because of all the wonderful things that occurred. But no, I still anguish over doing the “right thing” as if I will fall from grace, or lightening will strike, if I put a foot off the path. Ridiculous!
So here I go again, still without a home, still without a job, still wandering and writing and experiencing life. But I get to see all my family and friends, more of our nation’s natural beauty and I will return in the fall to live in the Berkshires and teach in the Fall Festival of Shakespeare, a dream come true. So all is grand and I am getting excited to be on the road again. I can feel the anticipation building, the tingling that risk and adventure bring, and having a date on the calendar to actually see my daughters again, well, it makes my life shinier.
Speaking of shiny…I don’t know why but when I go to my weekly karaoke spot I am regaled with sweet people telling me how wonderful I am. People that I have never met before go on and on about my talent and I have a hard time believing it. I don’t go around thinking I’m amazing. I kind of walk around naive and oblivious, but what would it be like to live in a world where I thought I was as amazing as these people say I am? I have experienced this joy at times, especially on my road trip last year, when I got to a place of really loving who I am. But lately, I certainly have not been walking around knowing I’m awesome.
Last night I took a stroll around The Mount grounds at dusk, such incredibly beautiful woods and landscapes. They are in the process of putting in an outdoor sculpture exhibit and I was rather appalled by the metal and wood structures going up so incongruous to the beauty of the trees, ferns and moss. I kept trying to find the beauty in the man-made structures, the reason for their being there, and I ended up thinking that all they did for me was make me realize even more that nature needs no prettifying, no change, no carving, it is more lovely when left alone. This sounds strange coming from an avid arts supporter, and I do believe that everyone should have their freedom to experiment and share their art. I just hope they will never put up installations in our National Parks.
There is such a connection between nature and me. I just finished watching John Denver’s Let This Be a Voice and he gets it. He gets me, or I get him…“To me any experience that I have of wildness, anytime I see a wild creature, it somehow reminds me of who I am, where I come from, and what’s possible for me. And all of that is very uplifting.” This is exactly what I feel when I go hiking and explore wilderness areas. It does remind me of who I am, that I am a wild, lovely creature, and have such amazing possibilities ahead of me. Is it seeing the beautiful freedom of the wilderness that allows this overwhelming sense of “all is well?” Whatever it is I need to keep cultivating it, keep seeking out nature’s treasures.
What am I jabbering on about? I suppose I am just reminding myself to glory in ME! I am talented and special, and that is something to celebrate, not be dismissed or downplayed. I would like to try living in the world taking up as much space as possible, and believing, really believing not just self talk, that there is no one that can compare to me. I heard Tina Packer say in her Women of Will Part 5 last weekend that many of Shakespeare’s women are redeemed by nature. I can join the ranks because I too, am continually redeemed by the natural wonders around me. I’m heading back on the road to continue this love affair with nature, myself and the people I meet. I feel the anticipation rising like the bubbling of a volcano waiting for just the right moment to spew forth an elegant spray of magma.