I love finding a new spot to write, to read, noticing the way light reflects off the walls from a new perspective, even if it’s just sitting on a different end of the couch, or in a new corner, a different chair, a spare bed, a pile of pillows. It helps me to create an open heart, discovering the way candle flicker affects certain rooms, the walls, my eyes, my psyche. It’s important, this change, this seeking for new inspiration, this finding when something works, when it doesn’t, this listening and really hearing, when music touches and lyrics sink into the heart. I melted into a pile of sentiment this morning when hearing a random song, How  Can I Win? on my iPod shuffle from the old musical The Good bye Girl. I heard the lyrics like I had never heard them before.They were for me, today, for now, for my truth. 

How can I learn to trust enough

And to stop believing all I hear are lies?

Open my heart but just enough

To keep an open mind but never close my eyes

I am continuing to struggle with motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I would rather sleep the days away. The lies I hear, from others, from myself, compete loudly for space and sometimes they take over, sometimes they don’t.

My cozy Berkshire cottage

To the dangers I alert myself

Making efforts to assert myself

And discovering ways to hurt myself

That no one else has tried

How can I win if I’m not on my side?

Win…I need to be careful how I use that word. Winning-losing, competing-striving, all things that are not good for me. They have crippled my life in the past. They are my enemies to opening, resting, trusting and generosity. But I do want to win the battle of listening to my own intuition, of believing in myself.

I live each day like emotions are at war

But I don’t remember anymore

Just who or what I’m fighting for.

My dreams of starting a Shakespeare Spring Festival for high school students in the Berkshires are being challenged. Schools that had shown huge enthusiasm and desire have opted out because of scheduling difficulties with their own programming in the spring. I am discouraged by this, challenged with keeping hope alive. I say to myself “what is meant to be, will be.”

Ventfort Hall (google images)

My hopes and fears collide

How can I win if I’m not on my side?

I was reading Carol Gilligan’s book The Birth of Pleasure this week, and I was struck by a sentence she wrote that intuition “changes a woman’s guiding attitude from ‘what will be will be’ to ‘let me see all there is to see.’” I am still meditating on this and will admit that I have not transformed into the “seeing all there is to see” attitude. One step at a time. Usually I want change overnight. I need to remember that it took me many decades to develop unhealthy perspectives, so to take a few years to undo useless thought processes is a gift I should give myself. 

How can I dare to feel again?

If I can’t let go of past mistakes I’ve made

Living through each ordeal again

The faith that I misplaced, the price I overpaid

Valentine’s Day passed without a hitch. I spent the afternoon with a wonderful, new friend, Amy, and her mom and sister at a Victorian high tea and tea-tasting at a local mansion, Ventfort Hall. It was a delight to do something so girly, and be in a castle with a bunch of strangers. James Harron, president of Simpson & Vail, one of America’s oldest tea companies, was there to give us a little lecture on the history of tea in New England and share his tea expertise. It is mysterious the way we are able to fulfill our passions; what leads a person into buying a tea business? Or becoming an advocate for saving elephants, or the Executive Director of the Quincy Jones Foundation, or a cheese-sculptor, or a gondolier in Central Park, or Tina Packer’s voice coach? There are so many unique vocations, the world is full of creative things to do, I want to be one of those that think outside the box, and are able to make a living doing what they love. Yet I worry that my simple desires won’t happen. 

When will delight be mine again?

Will it come or can it be that it’s too late?

I want the sun to shine again

But I must walk away from the shadows I create

If this high school program doesn’t happen, I have been enriched by just dreaming about it. I have put my dream into action, that’s all I can do. Throw the idea out there and see if it works, if not, then another path will open. 

And though I tell myself it’s safer just to hide

How can I win if I keep retreating?

Cheating myself is self-defeating

How can I win if I’m not on my side?

I refuse to wallow any longer. I have been shown over and over and over again that there is a wide road for me to drive on, millions of country roads to explore. I’m going to keep on road-tripping through my days, even if it’s just from room to room in my cozy little cottage.