I was told this week by an intuitive friend and well-respected acting coach that I have a no-nonsense, direct personality, EXCEPT in areas of the heart. He went on to add that when relationships are involved my no-nonsense approach to life gets cloudy. I have been pondering this ever since, and I think he is right. My romantic relationships seem to derail my normal common sense.
For instance in the past year just about every man I’ve been attracted to has been an addict, sometimes in recovery, but either an alcoholic or sex addict or both. Are addictions more prevalent than I suppose or have I some huge flaw that attracts bad guys? Now this is not always the case. I have had some nice, healthy men attracted to me, but most of the time, I hate to admit, I am not as interested in them!
My travels across the country have given me the freedom to play with meeting new people without the worry of a relationship forming. Knowing that I am only in town for a day or two takes away all the pressure of a guy getting the wrong idea or having expectations. I am gone before he knows what hit him! So a bit of my no-nonsense personality was able to shine through into my acquaintances and it was healthy. I have been able to enjoy male companionship without letting my emotions take the bit and canter off into the abyss.
Coming back into Seattle for the holidays I am dealing with my relationship history hitting me between the eyes. Memories of being disenfranchised are prevalent and I am reminding myself that all this is in the past. I have really moved on from being the victim and yet my body still holds the emotional scars and reacts to familiar places with guarded animosity. WHAT? Friendly, happy-go-lucky me, feeling guarded? Yep, and it’s not a place I like to stay. I find that I am less able to interact with my fellow human beings, that I see more ugliness; that my spirit is in shadow.
It’s time for the sun to come out! Enough re-living the past, time for more no-nonsense future exploration! Each day is an adventure even if I’m not driving across the country. There are plenty of people out there that desire a life of love and loveliness that I can encounter even as I finish my Christmas shopping.
Just today, as I was waiting for a present to be wrapped, an older man, who was also waiting, sat next to me. We started chatting away and before you know it we were swapping gift ideas, and joking and I found out that he is a very well-known restaurateur and has started numerous seafood chains, lives on Lake Union and relishes giving extravagant gifts to his family. He is also a veteran and has lived all over the world, but you would never know by looking at him that he is anything other than a simple soul. Life has treated him well and as he said when he whispered that he bought each of his two grown children four-wheel-drive campers for Christmas, “you can’t take it with you.”
There’s a little known song that I heard on YouTube (Hold My Hand) by Jeff Blumenkrantz and the words have stuck with me, especially the ones about being willing to “skip the cover and read the book” when meeting people. I want a man willing to do both, see the cover, the outside frame of me, but wanting to read my soul, my book, and discover the truly fascinating joy of connecting to humanity without judgment. I’m on my way to finding a direct, uncovered, freedom in dealing with romance, I can feel it.
There must be one sorta decent guy out there
Who’s willing to hold my hand
Give me a second look
Skip the cover, read the book
And when I find that chump
Who’s willing to embrace my one demand
I’ll give the moon because he held my hand
My strangely clammy , chewed up fingernailed
Often trembling yet, virtuosic
Anti-bacterial lotion wearing hand